A recent reflection on:
BEING SEEN IN THE GAZE OF THE FATHER
Each one of us is seen and loved in the merciful gaze of the Father. How often are we actively reminded of this?
Since moving to NYC I have been immersed in an artist residency at the Sheen Center that has allowed me the opportunity to pursue my dreams of combining mission work with my artistic practice. Sometimes this art mission looks like taking time to sit and draw the individuals I serve in various religious life communities: my fellow lay volunteers, and the religious sisters, priests, and brothers I collaborate with and work under in various volunteering settings. Already in this short time I have been learning and growing constantly, in ways I didn’t picture before coming here. The Lord has been actively transforming my heart and bringing me closer to His heart through serving the poor and in the witness of the religious communities I serve alongside, and I feel an expanded openness to His will for me as an artist and missionary. Praise God!
(Portrait of Michelle, one of the kids I work with at the St. Francis Youth Center with the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal in the South Bronx)
As an artist working in the realm of portraits and the human figure, I often feel this simultaneous responsibility and unworthiness to be an instrument of the Father, specifically in the way He holds us in his loving gaze. Recently, I have started to feel this responsibility every time I sit down to draw someone-- whether it is an impromptu drawing session during a volunteer shift or if it is a planned drawing session I have scheduled ahead of time.
ARTISTIC PROCESS
I have found that there is a somewhat mystical encounter that comes from drawing a person sitting right across from you. A drawing session can hold an immense spiritual weight for the model and the artist, depending on the openness of the artist and their capacity to receive. In my process of drawing from life, I actively and intentionally take time to look closely, observe, and record the unique, living beauty of the person that sits in the chair just a few feet away from me through careful, instinctual mark-making. I try to carefully respond to not only the physical attributes of the person, but I also pick up on their mood that day or other personality traits, attempting to capture their essence. There are often periods of silence or conversation that come out of this time. It becomes a mutual exchange of sorts- this gaze that happens between the artist and the model.
After working on a drawing or two, I take the studies back to my studio and begin the printmaking process. I transfer the drawing to a block of wood, carve away, roll ink on the block, and print the remaining relief image from the woodblock by hand onto thin Japanese paper, applying pressure with a wooden spoon. I like to add color to my prints, so usually the next steps of this process include transferring the print to other wood blocks and carving more, so that I can give the image more depth and vibrancy in layered color. Once the blocks are all carved to how I want them I can print as many as I want by hand, and all prints are original works of art although they are the same image. This is quite the process and sometimes it takes a lot of working off-and-on at different times while working on other paintings or woodcut projects. So, through these life drawing sessions and the process of printmaking that follows, I have found myself imitating the gaze of God the Father with the individuals that sit for me, the people in my daily life that I am coming to know and love (and at times, be challenged by) more and more all the time. I have also found a deep poverty in realizing that I am not perfect in living out this gaze. And, I can see now more clearly the poverty each of us suffers from as we so often fail to recognize who we are in the Father’s gaze, as His loved creations. These understandings came to me in a real way recently with Nene, one of the women I work with at the Gift of Love house, a house for elderly women run by the Missionaries of Charity in Greenwich Village.
NENE’S STORY
Recently I finished this small woodcut of Nene, based off of a handful of sketches I did while we were waiting together in the lobby of Belleview Hospital. Early on in my time serving at the Gift of Love house, the Missionaries of Charity asked me to accompany Nene to an appointment to make sure she got there and back safely, and that she had someone to speak up for her as her speech is impaired from a recent stroke. While we waited for quite awhile in the lobby of the hospital for her appointment I got out my sketchbook and asked to draw, and a smile spread across her face as she said yes. This bit of time waiting turned into an intentional time of encounter, of seeing Nene and allowing her to see me too as I was drawing and chatting. As the rest of the afternoon at the hospital went on, walking together to various sections for check-ups, medicine pick-up, etc., I began to understand Nene’s day-to-day struggles more clearly and I felt what it meant to accompany her— I mean really, physically accompany her— as I walked at her slowed pace and worked with her to get to a point of understanding the words and phrases she was trying to communicate through her impairment. Even now I am still reflecting on the ways both of us helped each other that day: of course my role as her caretaker for the afternoon is obvious, however Nene helped me learn how to accompany someone in a real way.
After this experience, I started to work on a woodcut from one of the sketches from our time in the waiting room. Once the woodcut process was complete and I had hand-printed about 10 total, I brought one to the Gift of Love house to give to Nene as a thank-you for letting me draw her. I wasn’t sure how she would feel, seeing her image reflected back to her. When I presented it to her she immediately lit up, just beaming. She loved it. Nene asked me to tape it up to her closet door right away so she could see it easily. After we hung the print up I felt this instinct to talk to her about the print, and to share with her the beauty of who she truly was. I knew that this needed to be expressed in the light of her identity as a created, beautiful daughter of God, and to give her the knowledge that this beauty is seen. I’m sure this was the Holy Spirit because I didn’t plan the following conversation at all. I said, “Do you know why this is beautiful, Nene? Because you are beautiful! You were made beautiful by God, do you know that?” She nodded, looking at the print, tears in her eyes. I knew she understood. This little moment together was a solidifying moment for our friendship. I’m not sure if this type of conversation would have gone over so well if not for the impromptu drawing session at the hospital, my consistency in being present in Nene’s life throughout each week at the Gift of Love house, and the intentional gift of the woodcut print. In all of these activities there is an underlying pattern of presence that required taking the time to actively see Nene in an open, purified gaze.
As I reflect on this now, I realize that due to her current life situation and lack of family support here, Nene may not have people in her life to remind her of her beauty in an authentic way, outside of the Missionaries of Charity that run the house. But really, the truth is we all need to be reminded of our beauty! Not as the world sees it, or as we sometimes wish others would notice our physical beauty, but as God the Father gazes at us and as He delights in us as His creations- created in the Divine Artist’s hands. Created with purpose, with love and affection- with the care of a true Father. Deep within our hearts we all suffer from the poverty of not understanding who we are in the Father’s gaze, as His loved creations. And until someone helps guide us and models this for us, we will not be able to understand.
OUR DAILY CALL
The person that accompanies us on this journey to understanding that we are loved in the Father’s merciful gaze does not have to be an artist like me. We can all model this and show others His gaze! We each have different gifts that God wants us to use to be His instruments of love and mercy in the world, to reflect his paternal gaze outward to those we encounter each day who are “starving for a bit of love” as Mother Teresa used to say. I hope my process of drawing and printmaking, and the story of Nene coming to know the Father’s love for her, can be helpful in understanding how all of us are called to see and receive others in ways that witness to God the Father in the world. Will there be times we fail and forget to remain in this role? Yes, of course- we are human. Is it worth it to try, and put our whole selves into this trying to see others in a loving way, and remember that we live in our Father’s gaze? Absolutely! I pray that this may be a way we can all grow together, in the paths God has chosen for our unique lives.
OTHER SIDES OF MISSION: THE SOUTH BRONX, HARLEM, AND GREENWICH VILLAGE
The group mural project with the St. Francis Youth Center is in process! We are working together to combine our individual designs into a larger, cohesive mural of St. Francis of Assisi, an image that the kids, the friars, and the local community can enjoy. (Franciscan Friars of Renewal, South Bronx)
Creating self-portrait collages to depict our relationships with God, and where we feel Him to be most present in our lives. These were inspired by Harlem collage artist Romare Bearden who depicted every day scenes and traditions of African American community. (Missionaries of Charity catechesis group, Harlem)
GIFT OF LOVE HOUSE
Mary, Maria, and Clarita, 3 of my "abuelas" (grandmas) as they call themselves
Serving with the Missionaries of Charity at the Gift of Love House in Greenwich Village consistently a few times throughout each week has been an incredible and transformative blessing. I have not only been forming meaningful relationships with the elderly women in residence but also with the youth group for various activities such as a trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to encounter beauty right at our fingertips here in Manhattan.
Getting to know the sisters and having them as strong, radiant models of faith has been the most transformative gift of all. Their love for Christ in the Eucharist and for loving Christ in the poorest of the poor has been making waves in my heart and transforming my own way of life.
Thank you for making this unique artist mission possible through your donations, supporting my artwork, and most of all through your prayers. I feel I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now and soon I will be discerning what the next step in my journey will be as an artist missionary here in NYC where I am finding my gifts are so needed with the poor. Please continue to pray for me, that the Lord will make my next steps clear and provide if this is where I am called.
